I am planning to go. I have to try. I need this. It always has seemed to work out so I’m really trying hard to worry less. Block out the fear I hear in my head and the fear I hear from my family and just go for it. I can make it. And with my new hot-pink cane to bring with me …

And now I have Dylan, who gets me and I think will be helpful. This year he has promised to make food once a week for me and also to introduce me to a few new trusted friends. He has high hopes for me. Without that, I’m not sure I’d go in my current state. But I’m going to make a leap of faith and do it. With your help and the donations and with the attitude and understanding Dylan has about me and my life and my needs.

I’ll deal later with my tears of missing my sweet mom and dad.

Still, I get scared.

Reading this blog may help you understand what it’s like for me and the thousands of others who may look healthy and fine, but are actually suffering from chronic illness, pain, fatigue, mental issues, inability to do basic things and all that comes with that.

Understanding that some things just don’t go away one day. that maybe certain things will never get better, no matter how hard we try or how many things we do, vitamins taken, treatments tried, affirmations spoken, prayers asked, specialists seen, etc., etc. All they or I can do is to try to manage the best we can, every single day. Even hour to hour. But having support and some understanding really does help us.

Just unsure about everything it seems. I’m not sure what the future holds for me, health-wise, and where I’m going to live and how I’m going to survive. That all gives me major anxiety and lots of panic attacks but I just try to make it one day at a time.

I really want to again thank you all for your continued support and care. It really means a lot to me and is a huge blessing I’m very grateful for. I send all of you my love and I wish you all the best.

I’m feeling very torn and emotional about leaving Mexico. I've been coming here almost nine years. A big chunk of my heart and soul will forever be here …I can’t leave the house without seeing familiar faces—locals or expats—who wave from across the street and smile or pass me in the street and stop for a chat. The human connection is really important to me.

NH seems like a different country, culture, and language from what I’m accustomed to here … If I was to walk five minutes outside my parents’ house, I would not be getting a smile or wave from anyone. If anything, I have to watch out for the crazies who love to speed down the back roads …

I don’t wanna get worse, but my shoulders and knees are loose and keep cracking. I did basic things yesterday and I can’t walk today. I thought of using a cane for the knee I can’t put weight on but then my shoulder keeps sliding over and out and I don’t know how I could even use a cane. Trying not to freak out.

Feels like going back to NH, I'm losing all my badass. I'm just a NH girl in a slow quiet blah druggy town. Errrrr.

But the nieces are there …

That’s life. Maybe I’ll hang out at our two Mexican restaurants.

You look so good

Whatever you're doing, it’s working.

Wtf

I'm underweight and alone all the time and don’t go out.

And I’m doing so good???

Another couple guys really pushed for haircuts.

Come on. U can.

People with EDS sometimes refer to ourselves as Zebras. According to the international Ehlers-Danlos Society, the reference to zebras is borrowed from a common expression heard in medicine: "When you hear hoofbeats behind you, don't expect to see a zebra." In other words, medical professionals are typically taught to look out for more-common ailments rather than testing for EDS.

I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey here. Especially sweet Kathryn and my new Chacala connections, and you all who are reading this. I never liked asking for help my whole life, and when I did need it, it wasn't there. But now I’ve had to learn now to ask for help and to accept it and not to think less of myself. Being unable to work and do hair has really hurt me emotionally, mentally, and, of course, financially. I also miss the human interactions and making people feel happy and pretty. They would leave with giving me a huge hug and smiling proudly to go show off their look.

I appreciate continued prayers and any help you would be able to offer, as the donations are keeping me afloat.

I am grateful for all the care and help from family and friends, and complete strangers with big hearts. Without the help of my family, Kathryn, and Eden and Lora and Natalie, and the donors, I do not know. My life would be even more unbearable and I’d really push to leave this life. I'm just so tired of never having a break from it. And if it was more predictable, I could get a better routine, but, it’s just all over the place. I try sooo hard to track patterns but I fail most times. Just feels like my vessel is broken, and it’s just breaking my heart and soul too. Too many years, too many surgeries, too many I’m sorrys.

As of Saturday 10/17/20, Christina is back in the warmth. I know she is fearful about being in Mexico alone this year with her new level of incapacity. Still, she needs to know whether her body’s accelerated deterioration over the past year resulted from being cold and cramped and isolated in New Hampshire or whether the increased level of pain and disability constitute her new normal even when she is warm and among her Mexican and expat friends.

It’s an experiment of great significance for her, not just a trip to the beach ...

Like me, Christina gets cold very easily. Her family home is in New Hampshire. She has been staying there with her parents since her neck surgery in January. Although technically it is still summer, already she bundles up in the daytime and routinely sleeps with heating pads and hot water bottles.

Christina bought a ticket to Mexico today. She leaves in less than a month for San Pancho, a village in the state of Nayarit. You may remember me saying that I met her there. She has spent the past few winters in San Pancho and has some friends there who will help her out by providing occasional meals or doing errands that would be difficult for her.