Christina Update #4: Lonely in Paradise

I'm just not sure what to write. I can tell you some things that I am happy about, but at the moment, I just feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.

This little town — San Pancho — that I’ve called my other home is now very different and growing fast. I can still move at a slower pace here, and I feel more independent having my little apartment. It's been challenging to suddenly be caring for a whole place again, but I’m trying my best. Sometimes I’ll just do 15 minutes of cleaning and take a break and later start again. I enjoy being outside on my terrace at night seeing the stars and the moon. In my own space and able to be outside and not freezing like in New Hampshire. At sunset time I go out and watch all the birds fly in from the jungle and from all over.

I’m lonely. It's quite hard many days, but I’m glad I have sunshine and can walk slowly and carefully to the beach, as it’s a straight shot. I love that on a good day I can go outside and people watch. Sometimes I’m fine watching families and couples and large groups of friends together. Other times I feel, well, heartbroken, to be honest. I really miss my family and my little nieces back home, but I’d be trapped inside as it’s cold as hell and definitely wouldn't be bird watching outside.

Every day is sunny and beautiful here, and when we have a cloudy day like yesterday, we all really enjoy it. Which is somewhat comical as cloudy days back home in New Hampshire make us crazy. But a cloudy day here is special. The weather is slowly getting cooler as winter here slips in. At night you would wear pants and a sweater, shoes not flip flops. I’m really grateful to be back in this town, changes and all. I feel that every time I come here I learn something new.

Still, much of the time I'm sad and I'm scared. All I ever wanted was a family and a dog. I’m scared of the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my EDS. Sometimes I feel totally shattered. Like today I'm frustrated that the lights in my apartment don’t work and the AC is moldy and my one pair of flip flops just broke. Trying to find a ride to the dentist to get that new crown. It’s only $300 here vs $4K to $7K in the States. Saving up donations for the crown so I don't lose my tooth.

I made an airbnb friend downstairs for a few weeks. He also grew up east coast so we felt like, I don't know, a bit of home. I enjoyed hanging out with him. He is big into daily runs — always runs long distances — and goes out swimming a lot. He accidentally broke my damn toilet seat and took my Apple earbuds with him when he left for Guadalajara, but shit happens.

He invited me to go and see the museums and churches. I'd have LOVED to go as I've always wanted to see the beauty there. But I can’t stay with him in the hostel. Like he said, he would love to invite me on adventures this month in GDL, but I can't walk for hours, or hike, or bike, etc. It’s frustrating and disappointing. I definitely miss having a friend nearby, and know if I didn’t have these health issues I’d be off to GDL to see the old city. When he was still here, sometimes he really helped me get past my fear and pain and pushed me to walk carefully to sunset. I miss that.

I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey here. Especially sweet Kathryn and my new Chacala connections, and you all who are reading this. I never liked asking for help my whole life, and when I did need it, it wasn't there. But now I’ve had to learn now to ask for help and to accept it and not to think less of myself. Being unable to work and do hair has really hurt me emotionally, mentally, and, of course, financially. I also miss the human interactions and making people feel happy and pretty. They would leave with giving me a huge hug and smiling proudly to go show off their look.

I appreciate continued prayers and any help you would be able to offer, as the donations are keeping me afloat.