Christina Update #19: Please Send Magical Vibes

This has been a summer of anguish for Christina. For this blog, I’ve captured only what she has written about her physical state. Her mental and emotional states are worse yet, but I’m not including those messages out of respect for her privacy.

Christina still lives with her parents, in quarters too close and atmosphere too charged. Subsidized housing is still a distant dream. Beyond food stamps and Medicaid, support is nonexistent. I thank you for whatever you may have sent in the way of donations and good wishes. The need is still great and all is appreciated beyond what you may imagine.

Please send some magical vibes my way I'm doing really bad and I'm fkn worried girl.

I'm hiding out with Ollie, feeling bad I adopted him. He deserves more play time and he hasn't played with another dog in forever.

This painful and scary thing has been happening more and more with my legs.

The muscles in my legs are so tense, and they feel like the weight of a truck. They won’t extend all the way, because they’re so stiff. They vigorously begin to shake, involuntarily, when I stretch them just so far. They ache in the bones and I can’t stand for more than five minutes.

While this is going on with my legs, my arms feel the same way. They don’t shake, but they have muscle spasms. Simply lifting my arms feels like lifting 20 pounds or more. And my shoulders keep partially dislocating.

I’m exhausted with this … I feel like I could sleep for years. The fatigue is real and my POTS symptoms* make it all the more worse. Standing up almost puts me to the floor from lightheadedness. I can’t go upstairs without reaching a heart rate of over 140 bpm. I can’t make my bed or do laundry …

It’s all so hard. Really depressing. It takes me so low and atm, I can't see how shit can get any fkn lower.

*Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) is a condition that causes a number of symptoms when you transition from lying down to standing up, such as a fast heart rate, dizziness, and fatigue.

8/19 update:

I was so tired last night I fell asleep while walking and I slammed straight into a wall. Another time I walked into the frame around the door to the living room. Later, when I couldn't pee, which happens a lot when I’m in pain, I fell asleep probably five times on the toilet. I would wake up just before my head hit my knees. This jacked my neck up good. Or I’d lean to the side and bash my head on the wall. Fun stuff. It's been a very stressful two weeks.

I'm gonna curl up and take a Valium and my pain pills.

There is a slim chance that Christina may have a place to stay, for free, with a friend in Mexico this winter. I’m holding this possibility dearly in my heart, as spending another freezing season cooped up with her parents would be extremely difficult for all of them.