Christina Update #18: Van Life

So … Christina has given up on the fantasy of a relationship with Mike and his motorcycle. Now a sweet young man from her distant past is showing up in a way that seems to offer both possibilities and complications. She is weighing these on her delicately balanced survival scale.

I'm in bed. Broken. Joel and I did two nights in the van after trying to stay at his parents’ house. Van life has been painful. Very. On my knees to get around. Then fell over a bunch, walking through the tall grass at my secret lake spot. Bruised up.

I made the van as comfy as possible with sleeping bags and blankets. But still too many metal hooks where the seats used to be and metal bars on the floor that hurt if you put your knee there, blankets or not.

The cooler tipped over the next night and we – more like me, cuz Joel checks out sometimes, I think a little ADD – pulled all the wet stuff out and took it to a laundromat. Cuz my mom said no to using her laundry machines.

So. Kinda upset. Overwhelmed. He's had zero money to pitch in and I've used up mine.

Carrie offered us a camping spot for a week at a resort 15 minutes from here. We accepted.

But right now I'm at a half a tank. Stressing.

Not long before reconnecting with Christina, life circumstances forced Joel to move back in with his parents. She spent a bit of time there and gained some insights about his background.

Joel’s dad is such an asshole nazi. To Joel’s mom and to him. And me now too. While we were there he started screaming at Joel’s mom. About the TV remote.

It's a small space. He works in one of the two tiny rooms. And he bursts out of the room randomly to just yell. He's a miserable person. Constantly abusing. Tells Joel and his mother awful things. Just screams all day. Apparently he has done this for years. And there's nowhere for Joel’s mom to hide.

Joel says his father didn't like his childhood and didn't want any kids. Joel’s mother got pregnant and so they had to get married. He was her first boyfriend.

The first time I saw Joel’s mom, kinda hiding, my instincts were right there. His dad pretended to care about me. Asked me questions, blah blah. His mom was behind me, arms wrapped around herself, leaning against the side of the wall.

That nice first five minutes was bs.

After he gets that I see him, he's extra mean to them and to me, like oh ya you stupid girl. Don't like what you see? Tooo FUCKING bad cuz I run the show and my wife is my fucking property. Watch this.

He's that awful. Worst dad I've met to date. I can handle weird, creepy, pervy even. But this nazi ass? No. It's just abuse all day.

Joel’s mom has a hurt leg and it's hard for her to drive so she only goes out close by for food. She just has to lie on the couch, where three feet away is his office. All day every day he bursts out to bitch, humiliate, control, hurt.  She is so scared of him.

After my two days there, I saw all this hell happening, and basically grabbed Joel’s hand and said, we can't help your mom, cuz she's too scared, insecure, no assets, can't work with that leg issue. But I can get you out of here for a few days. So I did.

Joel had a therapy appointment today, which he had forgotten. So we had to drive the hour back for the appointment, and then an hour back to my parents’ house to pick up Ollie. The plan was for us to sleep in the van at my secret lake spot for two more days, then in the van at Carrie’s camping place.

But this may be our last hurrah.

Right now I'm in my bed at my parents’ house. Joel’s on my couch. We were not supposed to sleep here but after all the activity today I couldn't walk anymore and Joel was nodding off and so we stayed.

I told my mom we just couldn't move. She seemed okay, but I'm sure she will say it can't be a habit. She has a heart but this is her religion hang-up. I said we can sign a paper saying no sex in the house. Nope, not about that, she said. But it is.

I need to get up but I can't move.

Last night after we got here I had leg pain, cramps, and then these terrible spasms that would shoot electricity that took away my breath and my consciousness. It was scary. Spasms feet to hip, then electric sensations up and down and around, then no strength, balance, or feeling. Almost like mini seizures, several in a row. Every five minutes. I ended up being in a ball in the living room. Couldn't move. Total body hell. No control. I've never had it like that. It would take over my body: Twist. Go crooked. Zap. Tight. Drop. Get up. Get a minute of peace, then another attack.

Joel was getting annoyed and worried. And I get it. It was very weird.

I'm exhausted. I've been pushing so hard trying to do normal things. Climbing in and out of the van, back to front seat, opening the side doors that don't slide automatically, cuz they're broken. The back door opens okay but it’s easy and hard to close. I have to reach up high and use all my weight.

Joel does help but we both go in and out a lot cuz we can't find stuff. If the van was set up for living in it, and had cubbies and storage, we'd at least have to places to put stuff.

I've been trying to show him. Keep clothes together, food over there, electronics and charger there, blankets there, and dirty things there. He’s like where's my phone and just rips around looking for it and then it's messy AF, a disaster pile of crap.

The van is totally unusable for two people to live in. Also, we hit a rock and broke all the clips and the bumper is now kinda hanging.

So ya. Losing my mind. Gonna have to tap out soon. Can't do my life like this. Joel wants to look for work but his car is broken down.

I'm very sad today. I've been holding space for many things with him and then he has his random sudden freak-out shit. I get it, but I'm having to remind him: I have worked hard to not bitch about stuff, and you're still learning. Please be aware that it's hard for me. I'm really struggling – opening doors I shouldn't but need to, driving too many hours, doing all the constant organizing in the van, moving heavy heavy sleeping bags …

He can be … okay. Fine. Happy. Also paranoid, from his bipolar condition. I may have to end this if he doesn't stop randomly changing moods and getting freaked out thinking someone is trying to fuck with him. It's not good. I’m hurting so bad and doing so much I don't want to hear it.

I'm being patient, trying to see if there's more of a rhyme or reason when he goes from normal sweet amazing to this paranoia. It's sad.

Now. To wake him and get out of here fast.

Just wanna not move.

July 8 update:

Joel really needs serious help. His paranoia is horrible I tried to call him and he says he hates to talk on the phone. And hates texting as well. Everything I said, he spun and twisted into something negative and way out there. I really felt like, okay, this is what someone being sarcastic and joking would say. But It so was not a joke.

He needs a trauma specialist and idk how he's gonna find one. He is way beyond my help as he doesn't really read the message but twists it into me writing codes. Writing one thing to mean a totally different thing.

It's so bizarre. I don't think it's just bipolar. I wish it was just that.

Never have I loved someone and seen his big heart and want to hug and kiss him and on the other hand, I want to shake him so hard and also punch him in the face.

It's so strange. The smart aware part of him that is in there can't see when I show him his examples and word, and he just is so lost. Def didn't have a safe environment growing up, with his dad. And now again at 40. I told him it breaks my heart to see cuz I really care. And I really really see. When my sister met him, she said she's never seen someone with such a vulnerable look in his eyes.