Christina Update #21: Hope. Somehow, She Still Has It ...
In an enneagram chat group this morning, a fellow type-nine friend registered surprise when I suggested that others don’t necessarily share our default rosy outlook — our belief that all will be well.
Writing about Christina’s life is getting harder. Her story challenges this default story of mine — that things will somehow work out and we’ll be all right in the end. Having witnessed Christina’s journey through writing about it, I have begun to grasp the hollowness of such a belief.
Not only are Christina’s life circumstances spiraling downward day by day, but so is her health and also the capacity of her relationships to bring her any comfort or support. She is adrift, bereft, and in pain. I can’t help her in any meaningful ways, which challenges my sense of agency — my unconscious belief that there is an action I can take that will alleviate her suffering.
Truth: There is nothing I can do to make any of this better. I can be her friend via text. I can’t show up live — it’s too difficult for me to be with her strong emotion. I can donate a bit of money. That is it.
I’ve been avoiding writing about Christina. I cannot find any hope to highlight in this story of hers. Her life just continues to fall apart — seemingly at random, but mostly related to her EDS. She can’t work, so she has no money. She has nowhere to live, so she’s stuck living at home with her parents — which, by the sound of it would be intolerable even for a week-long visit, let alone two years and counting. She now has no transportation, so she is isolated — she can’t go into the world to visit her few remaining friends or even take Ollie to the dog park.
And her body. To me, the pain and disability of EDS alone would be an unimaginable horror, but she now has issues with her lungs requiring antibiotics and prednisone. On top of this, three accessed teeth …
Y’all, she just turned 40. She used to be an athlete. She had friends, lovers, a vibrant social life, a good career. Now, nothing. Nothing.
Somehow she has retained the capacity for joy in small things and a bit of hope for the future. I can’t see it, but I’m glad she can.
If you’ve read this blog entry, I thank you. I am not sure why I’m writing it, aside from a commitment I made to myself in August 2020 to tell her story. I began doing so in hopes that people would read, would care, and would donate money for her, as she has no income at all aside from food stamps. My hope was that I’d be able to help her afford rent so she could leave her parents’ house, at the very least. That was unrealistic, as I now understand.
Three-plus years into it, I just keep on telling the story. Now we are caught up. Let’s see what 2024 will bring.
Again, thank you for reading this. If you are moved to contribute, here’s the link: http://PayPal.Me/KathrynThomas92
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Next day update. Christina constantly surprises me with her resilience.
My teeth. What a joke. Two out of the three absesses are root canaled and crowned. Fkn depressing besides painful AF. Cuz I remember working hard to get them done and not having them pulled like many others.
I'm gonna try the dental school but they have a very long wait list. It's nerve-wracking to have to do it this way. I wouldn't even get a haircut at beauty school! But it's that or lose them.
I got the car I’ve been looking at — a 2005 Sonata. It just needs a power steering hose and it's good to go. Was well taken care of. I like it a lot.
Now to get that piece and install it. Inspection and then seat covers. Generic cheapo ones. The inside is mint — might as well try to keep it that way.
Ollie totally understood. I showed him my new keys and he got all excited and sat by the door so I said you can go see it but no ride today. He dragged me out there. Sniffed the whole outside and then I opened the the door and he launched into his passenger seat and was like, Vamos!! I said no, not now. Soon! Come on out. He made a dramatic sigh and put his head down and gave me the look ...
Since her dear old van was wrecked, Christina has been saving her donation money and asking friends to help. Somehow she was able to scrape together enough to buy this car. I hope it’s good, I hope it doesn’t have hidden problems, I hope having it makes spending the winter in NH bearable.