Christina Update #12: Disappointment and Clarity

You may have been wondering about Christina. I haven’t reported since she left for Mexico in December. Many reasons for that.

First, things kept shifting, so it was hard to know what to say about her experience. Then, as I began to get clarity, I felt that the story was just too depressing. Pain constraining her engagement in the community. A creepy guy repeatedly harassing her. A friend who promised companionship and support utterly abandoning her. A landlord refusing to fix broken things. The water supply running out …

So now, she’s getting ready to head back home to her parents in New Hampshire. This year’s trip to San Pancho has been … a learning experience.

Here are her words, which I have chosen from among her messages, describing her current state. And yes, donations are still most welcome and appreciated. Her life is no easier than it ever was. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (described in the first Christina entry) lasts a lifetime and gets worse over time. Christina’s EDS has been progressing extra fast these past few years. She has no income source. And there is no rescue on the horizon.

As always, thank you for caring enough to read this.

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I don't want to be a NH girl. I want sun. I need sun. But I've been avoiding the beach. Not even putting on my bathing suit once.

I’ve been just kinda hiding. Isolating. It's been so hard. I didn't push hard enough to find the right help so that I could get out more and enjoy paradise. And soon I will be leaving after only a few months.

I'm worried I might not be able to winter here in the future if it keeps going like this. I feel very defeated — more then my usual, which is pretty damn pathetic.

I feel like Dylan ditching me just threw me completely off balance. And I wasn't very stable to begin with. I really trusted him and came here thinking I'd have a friend who understood me, as he also is unable to work and is chronically ill. The heat helps him too. He had urged me to come back, saying things would be different this time.

He said we would help each other to give that little extra push to go to sunset, to hear some live music while getting yummy cheap tacos ... and meet his new friends he had made. He said they already knew about my situation and couldn't wait to meet me, and we would be a close tribe. Like a family.

I thought I was coming back to this whole new crowd, these accepting and caring new people. A new beginning, around people who wouldn't constantly ask where I was and what am I doing here and why don't I do thissss, and thissss, and that and so forth.

I honestly don't think I'd have left NH, had I known that none of this would happen. Instead of this wonderful fantasy life, I’ve ended up hiding away, feeling unsafe and confused as what to do.

Obviously my health has been a major part of it, as it seems to be the boss. And not just my physical health, but my mental health has suffered. I have been shutting down many parts of my heart and soul, my spirit. I didn't know what else to do. It hurts so much.

I feel alienated from the life I used to know here, and from others my age, since the EDS symptoms have taken over my life. I just want this nightmare to end.

This season I’ve avoided seeing the beautiful ocean. Feeling the sun. Hearing the waves. Watching the birds. Seeing the whales. Seeing life. I hid.

I’ve had many hard experiences this round: my apartment broken into numerous times, the issues with no water, then leaks in the house, being locked in my apartment and out of it as the doors need new locks, and my crazy landlord saying I have bad energy with this house and not helping when I was literally locked out for hours.

Now I feel lost and alone. For ten years I shared my heart with so many here: my clients and the locals and people from all parts of the world. For TEN YEARS!! AND THEN I JUST HID. I RAN AWAY. I DIDN’T EXPLAIN. I was done trying to explain, as my words seemed to go in one ear and out the other for people. Just a constant overload of repetitive questions, and me trying again to explain and trying so hard to not break down and cry right there in the street.

I feel like I betrayed myself and many other people who actually did care, but I didn't want to keep repeating myself. And the new people in town, well, I didn't really give them a chance to figure out what is going on and who I am.

I disappeared from the salon two years ago, then left for ten months for my neck surgery and returned and fkn hid. I didn't want to see the beauty of the beach, cuz everryyy time I do ... it's mind-blowing. And it makes me just about cry.

I do not want to leave this tropical paradise with its live music and many different kinds of people, and LIFE and energy, to go live with my parents on a quiet little back road in NH.

It's not easy here, but the good days seem worth it. And then I injure myself and plummet back down and I feel like ok, this place isn't for me anymore.

My heart is breaking to leave my apartment and the sun and warmth and green and life. If I didn't have family in NH, I wouldn't go back. So much I've learned here and worked through. I grew a lot.

Why did I let the hard times win!? Why didn't I go out for even just an hour, hear music, to be with people, and actually see who really gave a fuck and came up to me and asked how I was?  

I haven't given anyone a chance. Many times I try to not make eye contact. I see people I know left and right and some wave but I pretend I don't see and keep walking and they do too. 

I’ve rejected so many good times out of fear and insecurity. Out of not wanting to explain my life. But I pushed away so many people and I'm feeling it. Hardcore. Sure, I can't do all that others can. But I feel like this town and the community has so much love for me, and the last two years I've just walked away from everyone.

I have an unhealthy way of cutting off feelings. And people. Being too scared. And I don't want that to be me. I don't want to just get fat and sit around at my parents’ place. Waiting for doctor appointments. Being a patient. Being sick Christina.

I’m so angry. With my body/situation. And myself. Where is the courageous me!!? Where the fuck did she go!? I feel myself in there, but I'm just now truly seeing what the last four months have been. I isolated too much out of fear. I don't wanna be that person.

 ***

PS: Since we started working on this blog a week ago, Christina’s ups and downs have been more extreme and more down than up. She is dealing with more anxiety, loneliness, and depression than usual and is feeling more suicidal. When she leaves Mexico, it may be for the last time. Once she settles back in NH, she is hoping to find a suitable and affordable therapy dog. Meanwhile, I’m hoping she can go to sunset a few more times …