Christina Update #6: How a Zebra Attends a Birthday Party

I finally got invited to something for people my age at the beach. It was Anna’s birthday.

I was happy to be there. Found a seat. That was important.

Gave Anna her handmade present.

She introduced me to the Canadian and left me with him.

Later in the party, the kids did piñata.  

I was happy when the kids started playing because people stopped talking to me so much.

Conversation with the Canadian

The Canadian asked a lot of questions.

What was I doing here? 

I told him this was my ninth year coming to San Pancho

But it would probably be my last. 

I felt sad. Almost broke down. 

Told him I’m retired now. Did hair for 20 years but now I can’t.

Told him I’ve had three neck fusions and now an EDS diagnosis.

He was not attractive, but nice.

Friendly. 

Said he had a neck fusion and still isn’t fully recovered after four years.

I told him my experience. Screws pulling out.

He was surprised. 

You’ve done this three times????

I explained.

Said well. U can at least have a glass of wine with me.

Painful conversations at the party with former clients

People reeeally up in my shit.

And my hair looked banging so … Got it extra.

So many people called me out.

One client almost made me cry. 

I just kept smiling.

As he said where u been.

Haven't seen u once.

U look fine.

What's up

Tell me.

And I just said. 

See my smile?

Ok.

Does it look totally real?

Other people said the exact thing.

You look so good.

Whatever you're doing, it’s working. 

Wtf

I'm underweight and alone all the time and don’t go out.

And I’m doing so good???

Another couple guys really pushed for cuts. 

Come on. U can.

More about the Canadian 

I couldn't lose him. At the end he could see.

And I said. Sorry. Hope u don't walk off feeling bad or whatever. 

Wasn’t my intention. 

I’m just being honest.

And he said you're gonna be awesoommeee.

And I said. I already AM awesome.

And he said ah ok. True true.

Then asked me to go out for drinks. 

Leaving the party

The Canadian left 40 min ago.

Now my turn. 

Want my bed.

Made it out. Smiling and trying to just make it home. 

No more hair requests and annoyed faces or pushy questions. 

Knee is hurting I don't have my brace on. 

Five more minutes.

Huge tears pouring down. Keeping it silent. 

Home. I'm snot faced on the floor wailing from the bottom of my soul like a wounded animal.

Trapped in this bs. 

In a shell.

The contrast between the appearance and the reality

The Canadian said well at least u look amazing. That’s huge 

And I said I disagree. I’d trade my looks in to be able to walk and run and swim and bike and dance and live. 

I'm sad and angr.y

I'm not just having a pity party.

This is killing me.

I always wanted to fit in and … now. 

I was something and had friends and a life.

And it's gone. 

But I look fine. 

It's like a sick joke.

People want to engage. 

I'm not them.

I'm me.

I'm not ok doing basically nothing but survivin.g

I'm single and I don’t have kids or a pet. I don't work. I barely can socialize. 

I will pay for this night. 

Not just from sitting for hours and walking. 

But also all the questions and all the no’s I had to say.

Stay in San Pancho or go home to New Hampshire? 

Deal with this and see people once in a while and get their run-down and talk.

Or be locked in my retired parents’ home in the middle of nowhere.

30 minutes of fun is better than none in NH? 

There I have my family and my bff. Is that enough?

People here, they just want me to go out. Be normal. 

Do their hair cuz it looks like I can. 

Or do what they recommend and I’ll be better. 

Like their friend got better by drinking water with lemon and salt. 

Take vitamins. Give up dairy and gluten.

Have you ever tried yoga?

You should walk the beach every morning. 

Get the endorphins flowing.

No. My neck can’t handle the sand. Or my knees. I get severe neck pain and nerve pain and migraines from walking in the sand. And yes. Horrible cramps. Hip to toe. Or just full body spasms and cramps that wake me up.

So no.

People just judge so quickly. I do my best to smile and engage. 

Act normal. 

Listen to stories and a lot of bs that make me want to just stand up and scream.

Enjoying small pleasures when they are available … and the down side

At least I saw the sunset. Smiled. Laughed. 

Had nachos and an extra creamy piñada and Catalina’s cake. 

I had good hair. Easily done with three clips but … too much attention. 

Better to look like a hag and then they all ask 

What’s wrong? 

Are u sick?

Aren’t u better yet? 

I thought you had neck issues. Why is your knee wrapped?

Errrrr

Thinking about bedtime

I feel like going to bed now but can’t.

I’ll wake up at 2 am. 

Gotta stay awake now. 

I’ll take my meds later and try to get to sleep so I can wake up at a normal time.

Lots of neck pain from turning my head back and forth at the party.

Now all the restaurants are cranking their music. 

And the drunk guy belting away.

Shut my door and windows.

The bruises on my calves are in different places every day. 

Maybe I should do a daily documentary. 

Interesting to watch the marks that show up and the ones that don’t.

“The Daily Life of Christina’s Calf Bruises.” 

I’m overwhelmed. Feeling lost. 

Will take a hot shower. Get under my weighted blanket. Watch Netflix.

Ground hog day, again, every day

I hate my life and I should be more happy and grateful.

But I'm losing my shit.

Every weekend Every night. 

I don't go out even during the day. Rarely. 

I do my stuff and go home. 

Every morning I wake up in so much pain.

Emotional and physical torture.

Every day it’s here.