Christina Update #11: High Hopes

Christina hopes to go back to San Pancho for the cold season. It’s a gutsy move for her to contemplate, given the toll travel takes on her, plus the effort required in re-settling into the apartment she rents there. I asked her to write about her current situation and what she anticipates for herself in Mexico this year. 

Below is a compilation of her writing, stitched together from Facebook Messenger lines. In her typical way, she begins with a blunt, unsparing assessment of her state.

I'm just so sick of it all. It always comes across to me pathetic and pitiful to complain about everything. If I was to journal, I’d just get pissed off. Not being independent is embarrassing. Not being able to pay my rent. Or pay for my car like before. Go on trips. Live as I want to with the hard-earned money I made.

 Exposing that isn’t pleasant. It’s quite sad and personal. Hopeless.

Christina anticipates stepping into a better situation than last year when she arrived. At the end of last season, she met and befriended Dylan, a young American man attempting to live year-round in San Pancho for the warmth his body needs. He too lives with a physical condition that involves chronic pain and disability. The two of them bonded over shared needs and resources.

Christina trusts Dylan and believes his presence will be grounding and supportive for her. They have been in constant communication since she left San Pancho and they anticipate that their friendship will continue after she returns.

Dylan was tribe within the first ten minutes of speaking to him and listening to his words. He said something like, “You’re just like me! I’ve never found anyone like me and I have been looking. And I definitely didn’t think I’d find someone here in this tiny Mexican town.” 

He has high hopes for us being tribe together again this year. He said he didn’t think he'd have made it through summer without his contact with me. He was very lonely. Isolated.

In the past, when Christina has sub-leased the apartment, she hasn’t known what she would find upon returning. This time, Dylan has been renting from her. 

Normally when I return, my house is always a mess. Whoever I sub-leased it to would leave it trashed. No sheets. No gas for hot showers, which are a must-have. One time, no keys!

This time Dylan says he will have the apartment clean, fresh sheets on the bed. He’ll make sure I have a full tank of gas. And food in the fridge!

Dylan has found another apartment for himself. He will move out when Christina arrives and she will move in. She is not sure when she’ll be traveling. It depends on when she can fill her next pain meds prescription in the US.

I am looking at flights. I’d be down a whole bottle of meds if I leave in November. But I don’t think i can make it til December. I feel I will be more cold and sad. Today you should’ve seen me. I was in the woods with my nieces. They wrapped me in two blankets. I was wearing three sweatshirts, leggings, and sweatpants. The kids were barefoot and in shorts and t-shirts.

She is going to miss her family, especially the little ones and their imagination. She loves to play with them, even though it hurts her body.

All the girls saw were my eyes, as I was wrapped up in blankets like a burrito. Ella pretended I was a princess. She went around and pretended to decorate me with jewels and a crown. And made a magic invisible fence to keep out bad guys. Eventually I had to leave the wood-tree-house party. Hobbled home. Barely made it. Chilled to the bone. So sad to leave them all having so much fun in the woods. 

Christina is thinking ahead about what she needs in the little apartment she rents, as her painful and debilitating condition makes it impossible to socialize normally.

I want it to be different this time. To have a better experience all around. Socially. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Less pain. More smiles. 

I’m thinking of a seating area for the kitchen, where I can talk to someone or play a game, but only if my neck is reclined. I can’t just sit in a chair without support for my neck. When I start having fun and forget about my neck, then I’m totally fucked for days afterward. So I’m thinking of tools to make this trip better than the last. To be able to invite people over to my safe space more, and less trying to find a safe space out of the house as much. There are lots of good places to go, but the seats aren’t comfy for me and I hurt myself. 

It kills me that I can’t walk on the sand and sit by the water like most everyone does. I miss out on a lot of socialization just from being unable to walk ten feet in sand without leg cramps and severe neck pain and migraines. People think I want to sit alone at the restaurant rather than with them in the sand. I am so close but I can’t do it. They don’t understand how hard it is to walk in the sand, let alone sit in it, like I could do a few years ago. 

So many people have just backed away from me and from my life without bothering to ask why I sit alone when there are people I know just twenty feet away, all just relaxing and enjoying the sunset ritual. 

I need to be safe to socialize at home so that I don’t have to disappear for a week after enjoying a social experience in public and then afterward hearing all the “Where did you go?” “Were you in town?” “What happened?” “Oh, you missed this, but we didn’t see you.” And I’m like “Oh, haha funny story, I’ve been in my apartment all that time.” 

I hate that. I loathe it. Dealing with it personally and then being asked. I feel this huge lump in my throat. It’s so frustrating to look fine and to have to sit alone, looking like that is where I want to be: alone and isolated.

I am planning to go. I have to try. I need this. And now I have Dylan, who gets me and I think will be helpful. And I get him and also hope to be able to help him.

This year Dylan has promised to make food once a week for me and also to introduce me to a few new trusted friends. He thinks we will get along well and they won’t be questioning me about my health or my shortcomings. I hope this is true and that I can add them to my little tribe. He has high hopes for me. Without that, I’m not sure I’d go in my current state. But I’m going to make a leap of faith and do it. With your help and the donations and with the attitude and understanding Dylan has about me and my life and my needs. 

Still, I get scared with the leg cramp morning madness, which is waking up in extreme pain from hip to toe, spasms the worst in my calves and thighs, and also deep bone pain. I get my percussion gun massager and use that until my arms and wrists give out. Then my mom brings scalding hot water bottles to lay on my legs. Many times it’s just so bad all I can do is cry and I’m unable to speak, so she will ask if I want her to massage my calves. 

She is able to do this for about five minutes and I’m very grateful. I just cry and nod yes and we both work on a different leg until we cannot do any more. Then she leaves and I place all the hot water bottles on my legs and take more meds and try to fall back asleep, which is very hard. But if I can sleep, I get a break from the excruciating pain.

But it always has seemed to work out so I’m really trying hard to worry less. Trying to just let go. Block out the fear I hear in my head and the fear I hear from my family and just go for it. I can make it. And with my new hot-pink cane to bring with me …

It’s cold here in NH. 55. Dark. Cloudy. The next three days says rain. Time to go. You should see me. Sweats. Hoodie. Blanket. Hot water bottle and heater on. Thinking I may go get a scarf and hat. I hate tons of layers. I feel constricted and get anxiety. It’s weird. Sensory shit.

Tired. In pain. Ready for November to get here already. Even though many days I’m scared to think of being away from my family and doctors. 

I’ll deal later with my tears of missing my sweet mom and dad.

Friends ~ if you have read this far, and especially if you have read the previous blogs, then you have a sense of Christina’s need. I will buy her plane tickets and pay her rent in Mexico. Her parents are prepared to provide some grocery money. As you can imagine, the donations are also essential. Any amount, at any interval of time, is GREATLY appreciated. Mil gracias.