Christina Update #17: Creepy Aunt Hits the Kill Switch

Took Ollie for a ride today. He was an anxious mess. Whimpered and cried. He gets overstimulated and freaks. So I just tried to stay calm — patting him and reassuring him that he's good while driving in circles. Then I figured maybe a Petco trip would leave a happy memory. He was just so nuts in there. I just kept stopping, having him sit, getting down, and trying to get eye contact to calm him.

He was happier on the ride back. Many dogs get anxious and people give up and say "oh he hates the car" but nooo, not gonna be my baby. He's gonna get adjusted again. He had been doing well but the last few months he's had barely any trips so I'm going to attempt to take him for a short drive every day.

On the way home my van was shaking so hard I almost started crying. Someone was tailing me and it felt like the tire was gonna blow and I was already fed up from Ollie's crying. Trying so hard to stay calm, say the right words. I drove with one hand to keep an arm on him and the leash cuz he kept trying to jump off the seat and go on the floor and under the middle console. So ya phew was too much and I just wanted him and me back in my room — my bubble — and safe from stress.

I'm gonna check tomorrow and hopefully it's just the same tire that keeps going flat. I can NOT lose my wheels. That was probably why I teared up once the van started convulsing. It was going 60 and I hadn't felt the shaking in town so ... hoping it's just a damn tire.

***

Had a great visit at Carrie’s house today. The kids performed a show for me. Singing and piano. And then I caught all three playing the piano together, with Rosie on the piano chair between the boys. For that part, they didn't see me. I just watched through the door window and my heart melted and broke at the same time. It was sweet to see a five-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a teenager playing together. They were all just making a song collectively, two doing chords and the little one doing the main line and it all somehow worked. On beat and the right notes. Sweet, sweet moment. And they didn't even know I saw them.

Now I sound like a creepy aunt, haha.

Carrie has been my best friend since kindergarten. We both feel safe and okay when we are together. I love having her come to my "room home," sitting down, taking a huge breath, and saying OMG. I miss you so much. I wish we could be together all the time. I feel like home with you. And I'm like, same girl.

We met in kindergarten. We were little in a tiny basement room where we played in a box of sand. We had a trunk of old clothes. Carrie took my side whenever the other girls bullied me. Once when we were the front runners in a race, we didn’t want to beat the other so we held hands and crossed the finish line together.

Her daughter Rosie was born my birthday, 30 years apart. Which I gotta say is a super amazing gift from the universe. Just like her mama is for me.

After I got home I was watching Puss and Boots and Ollie heard the animals and started watching them and then grabbed his bone to protect it. And then jumped down off my lap to get closer to the TV. Super cute.

***

Time for bed. Ollie's already in the crate. I tried not shutting the door. I just asked him to go to bed and he went right in. He was a little confused but he lay down eventually. I'll close his door before I'm under the covers. He's my baby. I love him so much.

M texted me just now. He said hi. I said hi. And he didn't write more. So I said, hm, maybe this was accidental. He said no, I meant to text. I said ok, what’s up? No response.

And he still has yet to write anything. That's just plain annoying.

I wish I could just play with him and not be thinking about so many fkn things. I'm not a good faker. He broke my trust — which took a lot to give — when he didn’t protect me that time. I wish he had more empathy and wasn’t such a hard ass. He still can't say a real sorry.

I want to sleep. I hurt. My hands are swollen and sore.

***

The call today at 8 am was not for housing like I hoped. It was cuz I tried for cash assistance. So I have a long ass form for that, and I have to apply for SSI and SSDI. And once I don't get either — then they may consider small cash assistance. I'm like, uhhh, I'm waiting to do disability when I have more than one damn doctor. It's a lot of work. And she said they need it by the 8th. That’s a joke. Just filling out the forms hurts my hands and wrists. It's very discouraging.

I'm crying trying to shove in cereal. Food is gone. Waiting for the 5th for food stamps. I hate this and feel awful telling this nightmare.

I'm sorry. I just have nothing left.

***

Yesterday Ollie was doing so well at Carrie’s, running around in her yard. Buuut. He suddenly left the yard and ran straight to the road and I couldn't catch him. Nor did my words make him stop. Magically he stopped at the mailbox and smelled something. If not, he'd have been run over. So disappointing cuz that's his only place he's allowed to go, he lovessss Carrie and the kids he still has no dog friends and I think that's why when we ride in the car and he sees a person or dog he just loses it, cuz he just reeeally likes ppl and is very social. The dog park is still mud or I'd bring him there. But that too is a bit scary. A bunch of strange dogs every time and I just hold my breath that he won't get attacked.

***

Another mind fuck from M. I agreed to hang out. We had a super great time. Amazing like the other times. And then he goes back to not answering the phone or texts. Being super weird. Off. Feels like he's hiding shit. If it's just gonna be like that again, I'm done for good.

I have enough sadness in my life to be up and so happy and told all these wonderful things, asked these great questions. We even had a bunch of songs we kept putting on and having fun lying down in the van cuddled up and singing. Can't say I've done THAT with anyone else before.

I'm sad. I'm waiting for his explanation.

I think he's just not stable. He can be a sweetheart. He can share about losing his mom at 10 and not having his father around. He said he was abused as a child, which, sadly, I had guessed that about him. He has his story and I decided to give him another chance, but I'm def about to hit that goodbye button. For sure I want to hit it so he can't hurt me and my big old heart ... but I'm so lonely. I just wish he would text and say something true and worth listening to. But ya, my hand’s been hovering over the kill switch since last night’s bs And today’s. I knew it was a risk but felt really nice to be hugged and snuggled and missed.

And now I'm reaching out saying can u please call me, even a short call, and he doesn't. It hurts. Not even a damn text.

***

Now at 1:00 am I hear from him, saying he was emptying a U-Haul full of trash. Sooo ya. He's blocked. I don't deserve that shit.

Men. Errr.