Christina Update #13: Loss

The picture is of Bella, Christina’s beloved 14-year-old dog, who had been living with her ex, Ben, for several years. As before, this update consists of selections from Christina’s messages to me.

Panchito is Christina’s pet betta, who lives in a sweet little tank in her parents’ home, where Christina now lives. Her reference to zebras is explained in this note, copied from Update #5: “People with EDS sometimes refer to ourselves as Zebras. According to the international Ehlers-Danlos Society, the reference to zebras is borrowed from a common expression heard in medicine: ‘When you hear hoofbeats behind you, don't expect to see a zebra." In other words, medical professionals are typically taught to look out for more-common ailments rather than testing for EDS.’”

To learn more about EDS, see the original post: https://wellwisestrong.com/writings/help-for-christina.

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May 16 When I feel I can do nothing, sadness and jealousy come up. I try to not beat myself up but it's very hard. I've always been a go getter. Making shit happen. I maybe was left out and bullied, but in almost all my jobs I kicked butt and had friends.

Since leaving San Pancho, I'm losing muscle fast from inactivity. In the past, I could help myself. For stomach issues, move. Walk. Swim. For depression, move, walk, run, live, make art. For happy hormones and all that good stuff, sweat, run, walk, do my job.

Now everything I have tried and keep trying just kills me. And man do I try. Even as sick as I was yesterday and my legs so heavy to lift, constantly tripping on my toes or tripping on the cane, I still filled a bucket with hot water and epsom salt and jammed my feet in ‘til the water was cold. And I used my massage gun on various areas. Then I couldn't even hold the gun, so I had to prop up one arm that holds the gun and try to hold my wrist tight with my other hand. I feel like a circus animal, except I'd be "fired" and shot by now.

May 17 It's cold and rainy. I try to walk the yard with my cane in the afternoons and at night. But it's just not like having my place in Mexico and walking constantly on my terrace and going down and up the stairs to go to the store or walking to sunset.

I've asked Ben to update me on any new symptoms with Bella so I can be prepared, as she's been doing better recently. Just now he just sent a message saying she's not eating or drinking, vomiting and not wanting to go out. She doesn't want to do the death stairs and he doesn't do what the vet said and carry her. He's saying he's just gonna put her down and to go fuck myself. I asked to see her tomorrow and Ben’s mom said she's getting a new fridge and tomorrow won't work. I feel totally helpless. She’s not even ten minutes away.

I can't breathe. I stayed in bed for hours this morning in so much pain, especially in my legs. I couldn't get up and couldn't sleep either. I just lay there picturing Bella all alone day after day, as she’s there from 7 to 3 or 4. Alone. They had someone coming once a day to let her go out and pee but not now.

I wanted a dog my entire life. Wall covered in dog pictures and praying every day to please make the bullying stop and let my parents let me have a dog.

And now. My baby is going to go soon. And I don’t know if I'll even get to see her. And finally my parents said I can get a small dog but I can't afford one.

I feel so fkn helpless and I HATE it. I can't even take care of myself. I hate needing help. Physically. Emotionally. Financially. I loathe it. I've always been independent and hard working.

I feel nothing is ever going to change. I feel like I have to live within ten minutes of my gram, parents, sisters, and best friend, as I need help. If I move farther away, I'm just gonna be stuck there. Unable to get help and unable to drive home.

May 18 I'm really struggling. Ben didn't take Bella out to pee. He just yelled at me and said she didn't wanna go and he didn't feel like carrying her. So she hasn't peed in 24 hours. I'm waiting to hear back from the vet if I can pick up the antibiotics. Ben’s mom said to try and get them, they might help, but that Bella’s time is coming. And in her opinion, Ben’s holding on too long and she should be put down.

I want to give Bella her antibiotics and try to get her outside. Google says old dogs get dementia and literally forget to go out and you have to prompt them and then walk them a couple of minutes. She was doing way better on the meds and now it's day three without. I'm worried she has an infection besides the UTI that has spread. But Ben’s mom wants me to come after 5, which means Ben’s there.

So ya I feel totally helpless. I just want to see my dog without anyone bothering me. Is that really so much to ask??

I just showered and lost so much hair. I barely have any. I can't use regular hair elastics cuz I have almost nothing. I'm just numbing out as it's just too much stress. All of it. And being here. I'm going crazy ...

I don't get why this is all happening. I'd rather be dead. I just think of the devastation for my best friend, as she's expressed that she couldn't ever agree to me choosing to go, and that she'd be crushed. I just feel like a trapped broken animal, with pain and fatigue, broke, and my dog at home by herself and sick. I'm tough but I'm feeling like I'm really declining. And I still can't poop. I've been taking Miralex, Senacot, kimchi, magnesium. Doing stomach massages, hobbling around the yard with my cane to try to move things.

May 19 I am very lonely and feel isolated in this hickville heroin/fentanyl/od area. I got a ride to see sweet Bella to keep her company. I made her drink and eat, as I see she's got some dementia. And being alone all day, she just sleeps and isn't moving or eating and drinking. She is terrified of the stairs even more now, as she tripped and slid the other day. I couldn't get her to look at the puppy pad by the door, as she knows that door leads to the stairs, and is like oh fuck no, won't go there. She's still smart. I'd do the same if I were her.

So. Lots of emotions there and ya ... I feel lonely. My mom's off to bed, Panchito’s light goes out at 9 on the dot and he goes right to sleep, so I don't even have my lil fish to hang with. Sounds like oh wooooe is me but not wanting to be or sound like that. Just being blunt and honest with a side of zebra sarcasm.

I want to get awareness for EDS out there. Hugely to the media and the world as I'm, uh, kinda pissed I didn't get diagnosed. Was misdiagnosed and told I was lying and all that fun stuff and even missed being a "cool senior" and graduating, and then possibly would've had friends instead of never returning to school, instead of going to beauty school and dating some assholes before I met the biggest narcissist LOL … so ya.

Pity is definitely coming out. I hear it. I'm sorry. I'm just texting slowly, zonked, sad, angry, trying NOT to be sad or angry or anxious or fkn hopeless as well as helpless, and need to be fkn grateful for what I DO have and the little tribe I am blessed with, who help me keep picking myself up and trugging along too. I don’t know where to, but … movin.

I feel like I need to get back into reading a ton as I used to, but will need a brace and a reading bed pillow thing and table? Or tray? Cuz I did love reading. A lot. and was always reading many books at once.

Was also thinking I don't just miss creating, but, also FIXING!! It was so fun gratifying and. of course, I loved a smiling happy client!!

May 20 I'm beat and just wanna sleep but I can see my best friend for two hours sooo I'm dragging my sloth self and gonna head out now. No news on Bella, as Ben never writes unless it's bad. So. I’m on edge. Worried. Sad. Anxious that at any time he will message that she fell or something bad or, that he's putting her down. Anxiety is very high and I didn't sleep well again.

Parents’ anniversary and they've been gone to get food. So a good day to just have the house but. I'll see my friend and then back to my room and cover myself with hot water bottles I wish I could just glue them on and then they'd be permanently hot and helpful aaand magically invisible!! Ooo! That'd be great lol. K. I'm off for my two hours!

I'm home now. Barely made it up the stairs, phew. Now to lay in my bed. Parents are wiped. They did a long drive for their anniversary. Dad's plugged in and my mom's cleaning cuz my friend is coming but. It's already clean.

My friend’s daughter adores me. She showed me a magic trick and some guitar songs. It's really hard to even talk to her mom. All I hear is Auntie Christina can we do this or look at this but ya. She wanted a tea party before I even got out of the car. Then made a menu up and served me and not her mom, haha. So my friend played along and said ma’am! Um, I'd like some service please!

Then before I could eat the dessert she wanted me to walk to the church down the street and watch her rollerblade. Poor thing ... I said sorry and I wanted to but I couldn't walk. Thank God for my friend and living so close and, yes, with a super nice guy.

May 23 Just got the text from Ben that Bella died last night. I thought she wasn't worse. Cuz I asked. And he didn't answer me. And I planned to see her tomorrow. I can't even.

He took her from me. Refused to share custody. I had to shove that pain down for years, Even when I was eight minutes away, I couldn't see her unless Ben or his mom allowed it. It just all hurts but feels like a second time losing her.

I will work on getting something made in her honor. They have some beautiful little pieces of jewelry. With what appears to be a black circle, but when you look through it, it's her picture, or maybe of us both together. And when you hold it to the light it projects the picture.

May 24 I'm not doing well. I puked a lot last night and hurt my neck. Couldn't sleep. Can't eat. Can't think. Crying again. I want to write something for Bella. And I think and I just lose it. I've just been in bed. Holding her collar.

May 26 I swear I'm cursed. My whole crown just came out. In the front. I have a piece of barely a tooth left and the root. I look like a pirate. I roasted pumpkin seeds and ate a handful and then felt something. Yup. A crown with the tooth. It's gonna need surgery to remove the root and an implant.

My mom was like, I'm sure you can't see it. I smiled and she shut up. My poor dad came in to say goodnight. I was just frozen. Hugging my bear with Bella’s baby collar. He didn't know what to do. Just covered me up and said it was cold in my room and I could put the heat on. Poor guy.

Now it's hurting ... Root’s probably exposed. There's a sharp piece left and ya. My face is throbbing. Up into my ear. I'm just shaking. Idk what the fuck anymore.

Called the dentist. It's a holiday weekend so they said maybe Wednesday or Thursday. So my dad got some Ensure for me.

Have a migraine as well. Shower didn't help. I played with Panchito and now gonna go lay back down with a bag of ice on my head. I don't get it. How much am I supposed to take in this world?

My best friend was supposed to come here at 9 but got a migraine and said hubby was coming down with something. So she cancelled.

I still can't write my memorial for Bella. I have too many words and too many pictures. I'm sure it's bothering Ben. Thinks I don't care enough to do it. Problem is I care too much. It hurts.

Just weighed myself: 123 today. With clothes.

Note: she’s tall.

I'm frustrated with everything. So I'll finish this TV series and, if I have to, take my last migraine pill. My appointment with the pain doc is June 1. If I can find old records proving I took Gabapentin, which I did, I'm approved finally for Botox for migraines. Idk why they don't have my information. Maybe I'll call my old pharmacy. Idk if that’s proof enough. Her nurse texted me needing "physical proof." I'll go attempt that before I crash. Sucks waking up to this pain, go to sleep with it, and ya wake up with it.

I was really really close to getting seriously hurt yesterday. I opened my door to go out and I had socks on and I slipped on the first step, jerked my neck hard (prob why the neck and migraine) but still have fast reflexes and grabbed the stair rail or I would've bit it hard. I'm still amazing when anything I do is fast -- and protects me.

But. It happens ... Trying to find the positive. Can you tell? LOL

Going to try some facial cupping for my migraine.

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When I sent this entry for Christina to review, she was inspired to add a bit about Bella. She also commented on our process with her usual transparency.

5/29 My special numbers are 222. They've followed me since I was a child. Bella passed on May 22, 2022.

Oh my sweet sweet girl, I can close my eyes and see her in the pond, or taking a bow over and over without being asked, cuz she knows it's cool and she wants treats. So many memories. She always would just put her two front legs into the car, and peer back like, I'm your baby, I know it, so lift me in haha. She could of course do it herself, not easily in her final years but, when she was more than capable, ya. It would just crack me up A big ass dog with its legs on the seat, looking back at me, wanting me to "pick her up." Half the time I'd just put my hands by her legs and back end, and she'd jump in. She just wanted that littttle extra spoiling. I soooo didn't mind doing it.

I think that blog flows well like you said, and was good to have my dark humor. When reading back over words I shared with you, I realized I totally was not thinking oh fuck, she may blog this. LOL. Never. Maybe I should haha but honestly I don't think about the blog ... I'm just writing to my Texan friend who I love.

Now I'm laughing inside cuz ya, am I dumb to literally never think about the blog? I didn't think about thinking about it ‘til now, if that makes sense. One thing with pain is that it's very time consuming and distracting. So ... soon I'll forget I even wrote this.